Stick a Fork in Me

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This last quarter of school has finally come to a close and a new one will commence in a little over a week. Time for this lady to sit back and relax. I’ll say this, college is not for the faint of heart and it is even more challenging when you have a family. It’s not some 9 to 5 where you can come home and decompress at the end of the day, for me, I barely can do that over the weekend with this overly intense course load of six classes. For every hour spent in class expect double that of class work. I sit in class 4 to 6 times a week for 4 hours at a time that means eight hours of homework per class per week. Please don’t talk to me about down time.

And all of this would be fine if I were a single chick, living in a studio flat near school and drove my eco friendly mini car, but no, I am a mom, and a relatively new one at that, and a wife and a student. But where the hell am I going to find time to balance all of this. I wish someone had taught me more about the importance of staying single and following your dreams. Please do not assume that I wish I didn’t have a family, this is the life I lead and one that I love, but I am only 28 and still discovering myself and it is incredibly hard, for me at least, to follow my dreams while sharing a life with 2 other people. I have to consider them when my selfish heart sometimes tells me to just do what I want to do. Now my husband on the other hand, and rightfully so, thinks I do this already, and I do to some extent. But hey, I think we all have selfish attributes in one way or another.

My husband actually helps substantially with cooking meals at night, he rarely complains and I know it is probably annoying doing it all the time. But I am very grateful to him for it. I do not know how people manage and on top of those stressors, I struggle internally with depression, which for me causes the most amount of angst in my life. Talk about procrastination, it is tenfold when I am in a cloud of depressing thoughts. Thankfully, it is getting better with the medication, but God, do I really have to rely on these for the rest of my life.

But back to school. I just finished my eighth quarter and I graduate at the end of the year.I am so ready for this to be done so I can start my career. The only problem now is that, with all of these life changing desires, I do not think this is what I want to do. This is going to be a job that will consume me outside of the office, that I am going to have to take home to get done and work under pressure of deadlines and deal with potentially indecisive people. I do not think I am one for this kind of career. I desire to do more for my family and my well being, I want to be present for both my children and my husband. But I can not waste this degree, I will work in the field to get a feel for what it will be like, but I am also going to look into this healthy lifestyle that is pulling so intensely on my heart.

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