Anxiety had its hands at my throat today, I don’t know what normal anxiety feels like, but health anxiety means that I am a hypochondriac, which also means that everything I feel in my body has to be related to something so much more catastrophic. So for instance, what I am dealing with today, I keep getting pain in my calf, it comes and goes as it pleases and lasts about 5 seconds. Now, in my mind, a normal person would shake it off and probably relate it to something like a pulled muscle or a twinge that will just go away on its own. But, for me my heart starts racing 100 beats a minute and that little devil on my shoulder tells me I have a blood clot or DVT. Following this overly dramatic episode, I will sit in self loathing for hours trying to decipher what my body is doing or try to relate it to something, ANYTHING that will put my tormented mind at ease. The the rest of the day I have no energy to do anything and it’s the worst feeling in the world. I wish that for just one day I could feel like myself again.
So, with all that being said, my next mission and goal is my health and fitness. Ever since I was a kid I was always active, I grew up playing Basketball, Softball and Volleyball. After school I would run and weight lift and I have been doing that off and on for the past 10 years. My diet has changed several times as well, now I try to be gluten-free and dairy-free but that is so hard, especially when you grow up being told these are part of a healthy diet. Without causing argument, I would like to respectfully disagree. I think fitness and nutrition are so crucial to mental health and physical health that I am at a point where it can no longer be a part-time aspect of my life. I need it to be my life so my life can be better, and once my life is better I can be a better mother and wife.
Today I took a big step on this new path and sought a good friend to be my nutritionist, fitness guru and mentor. She isn’t local so we have been in constant communication today. I sent in my before photos as well as my measurements, and later we video chatted so she could do a fitness assessment with me. With no judgement against myself and knowing this was step one, day one, I had to let go of any insecurities and get this started, no more procrastinating. I am beyond excited for this journey and hope to maintain momentum with this change.
Currently I am an Interior Design student and I will finish my degree this year, which is exciting, but I think I am going to rewrite my story and live a healthier life for me and my family. I believe this is where life is pulling me and I want to encourage others in this process. I love the minimalist movement as well, even though my husband is not, but I like the idea of simplifying life so it is free from the constraints of a materialistic and consumer driven world. To be free of feeling overwhelmed. I cannot explain how I am incredibly elated about this, it’s an indescribable desire, but I have a yearning for so much more and that life is meant for so much more. So I am open to where this journey will take me whether that be a soul searching endeavor, a career in blogging and fitness/nutrition or a traveler or maybe all that in one and I will be a traveling, minimalist who loves fitness and blogs about it. I don’t care, you don’t ignore a feeling like this and anyone who has experienced it can attest to its power.